nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
