life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
