I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
