Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
