Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
