i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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