I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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