he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
