Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
So squirting runs in the family.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
