My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
