When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
