I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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