the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
