i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
