I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
