Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
