Just fell off a train. Bad.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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