my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
