Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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