Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Randomize
