I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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