where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
