They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
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