our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
