I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
