if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
