i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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