That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
