I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
