then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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