I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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