3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
