Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
