kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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