Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
