Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
we should paint friendship bongs
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
