My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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