Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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