Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
