This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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