I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
