His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
