I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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