He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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