I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
