wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
