We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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