Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
