I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
