I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize