I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
