party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
