just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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