how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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