Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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