I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
