I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
