I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
